Now, Let Me See

This morning I am thinking about how amused I was to “find” a pair of my reading glasses yesterday afternoon.  I absolutely knew that I had them on while I was doing my early journaling.  And I seemed to remember putting them on when I was in the grocery store. Then I would have sworn that I used them in the car to check messages on my phone.  However, when I arrived back at home, they were not in my purse.  “I must have left them in the car,” I surmised.  Turns out, I had not.  There was a major task I’d planned to get started on for work, and I would definitely need my readers to do it.  So I resolved that I would just have to go get another pair.  First I wanted to get started on dinner, though.  As I was passing through my bedroom to wash my hands, I saw them.  They were sitting on the nightstand, right where I’d left them.  I chuckled as I realized the readers were never missing or lost.  I had just absent-mindedly taken off without them.  I must admit that I sometimes do the same thing, in a spiritual sense.  Just as I depend on my natural readers to help me see words in print, I prayerfully depend on the lens of God’s wisdom to help me see…really see…the people and situations I encounter throughout each day.  Yet, sometimes even after praying for wisdom, I will absent-mindedly take off without it.  And it’s quite noticeable.  Without His lens of wisdom, my understanding quickly becomes very blurred.  Without it, situations appear much dimmer.  Without it, I perceive people and things that are of great significance in ways that are much too small.  Oh, what a difference it makes when I put on His wisdom!  I find that it brings clarity and focus of vision, which far surpasses what I’m able to discern on my own.  It’s funny how I sometimes try to convince myself that I was wearing wisdom, when I was not.  I tell myself, “I seem to remember putting it on before that meeting.” Or, “I would have sworn that I used it to respond to that person’s questions.”  But, then it becomes clear that I’d really been relying on my own sight…my own understanding, which is often clouded by cataracts of un-yielded pride, prejudices, fears, and ignorance.  The good news is that I don’t have to continue on blindly.  I don’t have to go out looking for any replacement lenses, either.  I need only go back to my Source, and there I’ll find that wisdom waits for me to put it on again. 

Where I Belong

This morning I am thinking about the first day of my high school Latin class.  The teacher was standing at the door, greeting and welcoming students as they entered.  When I came in, however, she asked, “Are you sure you’re in the right class?”  Even after I showed her my schedule, she still seemed unsure.  Clearly, a Black girl taking Latin…as an elective, no less…was causing her quite a bit of dissonance.  (Who would have guessed?)  I had to quickly process and productively respond to the ignorance and judgment of someone who didn’t know me at all, but somehow thought she knew my potential.  It was a scenario with which I had become all too familiar over the course of my schooling.  Beyond their skill to teach reading, writing, and arithmetic, I encountered a few teachers who were also quite proficient in delivering a hidden curriculum that had its own potent lessons and challenging tests.  What seemed to be a recurring lesson for me was that there were certain classes, or programs, or levels of achievement where I wasn’t expected to be.  In the minds of some, I was out of place.  I didn’t “belong.”  There was my first grade teacher who, upon discovering that I could read the second grade books with ease and understanding, asked my mom if I had been retained.  Then there was my middle school counselor, who insisted I be re-evaluated before scheduling me into a gifted class because my IQ score from elementary “seemed too high.”  So, besides mastering all my academic content, I always seemed to have an additional assignment—the task of proving that I did belong.  It may sound strange that I like to reflect on these and other such experiences when I want to encourage myself.  Yet, they truly remind me of how much I have learned, ways I have grown, and things I have overcome.  At times I feel myself becoming weary, but then I remember that I have been lovingly and purposefully endowed with the grace for greatness.  Therefore, it would be utterly foolish for me to let the issues and hang-ups of others relegate me to ordinary or “just okay.”  Now, the happy ending is that I ended up being one of my Latin teacher’s favorite students.  In fact, she urged me to take her Semantics course the following semester.  I am grateful that she came to really know me.  In reality, though, there are those who never will.  There are those who will always see me as “only this” or “only that.”  There are those who will dismiss me and tidily tuck me away in one of the neat compartments of their own prejudice.  I’ve had to come to terms with the truth that every open door won’t necessarily have a welcome mat in front of it.  I just have to know in my heart where I belong.  And, this one thing I do know:  Despite what anyone thinks, I absolutely belong any and everywhere God has blessed (and will bless) me to be.  I sense that He’s already opening new doors, and I will confidently go in.

Too Good To NOT Be True

This morning I am thinking about a particular tidbit of conventional wisdom I’ve heard and repeated so many times that I’ve taken it for granted, never questioning or giving it critical consideration.  It is the idea of something being too good to be true.  I am wondering when and how I bought into the twisted notion that goodness and truth must somehow be mutually exclusive.  I’m intrigued as I contemplate how, when, and why I came to internalize the assumption that if something is really good, then it must not be true.  (Or, I guess, conversely if it’s true, then it must not be good.)  I find myself confronted here with a deeper, more compelling question though.  Have I inadvertently convinced myself that if something is really good, then maybe I’m not good enough to have it?  Do I subconsciously fear that I am unworthy of that which is extraordinary and wonderful?  As I expose my heart to the scrutiny of this interrogation, I am being made aware of an underlying, subtle deception within.  It camouflages itself in the commonsensical.  It speaks to my logical mind, putting forth a strong case based on facts and evidence that are, ironically, produced by deception itself.  Certainly, I have experienced relationships and other endeavors that initially seemed so positive and full of promise, but later turned out to be not so great.  And I would say to myself, “I should have known it was too good to be true.”  In retrospect, I wish I had been able to discern that the issue wasn’t really a matter of something being too good to be true.  In reality, I sometimes just latched onto things that weren’t truly good…at least not for me.  I can see how, over time, I allowed deception to sweet talk me with its bitterness:  “Be reasonable.  You’re nobody’s fool.  You are a smart woman.  This can’t really be what it seems.  It’s too simple.  It’s too soon.  It’s too much.  It’s too perfect.”  The more I entertained its arguments, the more deception wrapped itself around my mind like a blindfold.  And it spoke to my vulnerabilities and fears, saying, “Don’t trust it.  It’s too risky.  Play it safe.  Don’t move.”  I can’t imagine how many gifts I’ve forfeited or how many open doors I’ve walked past, having my mind veiled by a cloak of unbelief.   But I am so grateful today for understanding and enlightenment!  God is good AND God is truth.  There is no schism.  There is no either-or.  And, so it is with the gifts He delights to give me as His child.  They are good AND they are true.  Each day I pray for the wisdom and grace to perceive, embrace, and enjoy all the amazing and beautiful things God wants me to know, be, do, and have.  So, I resolve to give thanks for His love and favor toward me.  I will keep my eyes and heart open for the love, friendships, opportunities, adventures, new beginnings, second chances and countless other blessings from His hand that are too good to NOT be true.

Lions, and Tigers, and Bears

This morning I am thinking about the part in the movie “The Wizard of Oz” when Dorothy, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man are in the haunted forest.  Dorothy nervously asks about the possibility that they might encounter wild animals as they pass through.  Once the Tin man introduces the notion of lions, and tigers, and bears, it’s as though she becomes fixated on the idea.  She says it out loud.  “Lions, and tigers, and bears!  Oh my!”  She even begins to repeat it, with her companions joining in.  Interestingly, it is within only a few moments that the Lion appears.  I’m really curious if that scene carries an intentional metaphor for calling forth into being that which one chooses to believe, focus on, and speak.  Perhaps.  In any case, the message this carries for me today is not lost.  For better or worse, that scene—or something like it—has certainly played itself out in my life on occasion.  At times, I’d become obsessed with unsettling thoughts and questions about what I might encounter within a given situation or relationship.  I wasn’t worried so much about actual lions, and tigers, and bears.  I did, however, anxiously wonder about some of their metaphorical counterparts…things that, for me, were genuinely frightening.  Rejection, and loss, and pain.  Encompassed in a dark forest of fear and doubt, I’d find myself talking out loud about the very things I dreaded.  It never really dawned on me how I was actually invoking those things through the verses of the pitiful song I’d play over and over in my mind: “What If?”  What if I make a fool of myself?  What if it doesn’t work?  What if I make a really bad mistake?  What if I get hurt again?  By God’s grace, I was not completely consumed!  I’m so thankful that I have learned I can also call forth good and beautiful things to my life.  It’s wholly a matter of my choice.  Time and time again, I have seen the wonderful manifestation of blessings declared.  So, I am learning to sing a new song:  “Wisdom, and favor, and grace!  All mine!”  Wherever I go, I want this to be my glorious refrain.  I want to speak it out loud.  And, who knows?  Maybe those around me will join in.      

Out of Nowhere

This morning I am thinking about a memorable (albeit scary) experience from my childhood.  One afternoon I took a shortcut down the alley behind my house, heading to visit my best friend.  I was strolling, casual and carefree.  My eyes weren’t scanning my surroundings, and my mind wasn’t alert to any danger.  I had been up and down the alley countless times, either on my bike or on foot.  But on that particular day, something threatening awaited me.  It only took me a split second to turn and look, once I heard the loud growl.  Being caught completely off guard, I felt what it was like to be frozen with fear.  A large, snarling, drooling dog was already within about ten feet of me, and it was closing in quickly.  Suddenly I heard a loud shout: “Get back!”  Out of nowhere, my cousin Bud emerged.  He was wielding a shovel, which he used like a baseball bat to land a mighty wallop on the dog’s head.  As the ferocious foe made its hasty retreat, I remained standing motionless.  But this time I was frozen with awe.  Bud was probably 81-years old, but he had moved with the speed and strength of an 18-year-old!  I had no idea how he got between the dog and me so fast.  Where had Bud been?  I hadn’t seen him, but clearly he had been intently, silently watching me.  I went to him, threw my arms around his waist, and thanked him with absolute sincerity.  He patted me on the head, and said, “Now go on.”  And, so I did.  I smile every time I recall that experience.  It always gives me comfort and assurance of how very much I am loved and protected at all times…spiritually and emotionally, as well as physically.  Sometimes vicious dogs of trial and adversity come charging toward me, rudely interrupting periods of peaceful reverie.  Rabid with the disease of doubt, discouragement, and despair, they bark and threaten to infect me with their bite.  But, then, out of nowhere God sends deliverance through my family and faithful friends.  Often from places unexpected and unseen, they emerge wielding kindness, compassion, and encouragement just in the nick of time.  With these and other unconventional weapons, they put to flight the foes of my faith, hope, and destiny.  Then they tell me, “Now go on.”  And, so I will.          

Going to Disney World

This morning I am thinking about going to Disney World.  The past few weeks have been rather busy and, at times, a bit stress-filled.  So, I’m longing to do something fun to recharge.  I suppose Disney World might sound odd, or even a bit silly, as a desired destination for someone like me, someone who is not a child anymore.  But I’m totally serious.  Somehow, after all these years the place still invokes in me a sense of wonder, excitement, joy, and hope for dreams come true.  Now, I’m not being completely unrealistic.  I’m well aware that, although Disney World is dubbed “the happiest place on earth,” not everything is ideal there.   For one thing, I know that before I enter the gates of the Magic Kingdom, I am going to have to pay a significant price for admission.  And once I’m inside, I’m going to have to pay a high price for things that are significantly cheaper on the outside.  I know that I am going to have to deal with long lines for my favorite attractions.  Even if I can get a Fast Pass for certain rides, there is a scheduled time around which I must plan other activities.  I also know that I am going to have to contend with the elements.  It could be extremely hot, or rainy, or cold.  So I need to be prepared to adapt.  In spite of all this, I gladly make the necessary investment of money and time because that’s where I want to be…where I choose to be.  This thought is fueling me with encouragement and inspiration as I meditate today on another place I sincerely long to go in my life—to the place of Marriage and a fulfilling love relationship with my very own Prince Charming.  Of course, that’s not really a physical location like Disney World, but I find it interesting how some of the same principles apply.  I know there is a price I will have to pay for entry, and it requires the currency of commitment, vulnerability, and selfless intimacy.  Yes, it costs my ego a lot less to be guarded and self-absorbed, but I want more than this.  I know that I am not going to fully experience all the “attractions” of marriage overnight.  Some things will only develop over time, and there is no Fast Pass.  I will have to practice waiting patiently as we grow together.  I also know that every day won’t be sunshine and rainbows.  There will inevitably be inclement seasons that I must be prepared to weather with him.  In spite of all this, I will gladly make the necessary investment of my heart and mind, body and spirit.  I know it may seem odd, and even a bit silly, that marriage is still a heart’s desire for someone like me, someone who isn’t a naïve little girl anymore.  But I’m totally serious.  After all these years the thought still invokes in me a sense of wonder, excitement, joy, and hope for dreams come true.  Much like Disney World, it may not be perfect, but I sure will be happy when I get there.      

Sooner Than Expected

This morning I am thinking about how some things in this life just seem to happen sooner than expected.  The death of a beloved sibling…the ending of a valued relationship…discovering that the “lint” in my hair was actually a strand of gray.  Such events have caught me unprepared, as they shouted a most unwelcome “Surprise!”  More than once, they have taken my breath away, knocked me off my feet, and left me feeling quite dumbfounded and confused.  One of the hard lessons I am learning is that that “too soon,” and “too late” are products of my own conception.  I guess I’m a bit like the three bears, in that I’m always searching for that “just right” timing, which is based on my personal preferences, perspectives, and priorities.  Given the power and choice, there are certainly some life events I would rush to happen sooner.  There are others that I would delay for as long as possible.  But as I sit here today, enveloped in a beautiful moment of awareness of God’s wisdom, goodness and grace, I am being enlightened.  It occurs to me that my life and destiny are inextricably connected to the lives and destinies of others, as they are unfolding.  Simply put, the things I experience, whether tragic or triumphant, are not just about me.  Most assuredly, God has a plan.  In the depths of my spirit, I know that His plan is good.  So, enjoying the fulfillment of purpose in my life is not so much a function of perfect timing and seasons as it is a result of perfect trusting and surrender.  Because sometimes things in this life do happen sooner than expected.  The birth of a precious grandchild…falling in love… receiving the favorable answer to an unspoken prayer.  Such events catch me unprepared, as they shout a joyful “Surprise!”  Over and over, they breathe new life into my soul, pick me up with a boost of hope, and bring me peace through clarity and insight.  If I will open my heart to receive and embrace God’s awesome plan as it unfolds…yes, in the agony and the ecstasy…the conditions are always be ideal for my growing and His glory.  I have to say there is no better time to start than now.