I Believe Him

This morning I am thinking about the day I learned I was pregnant with my daughter, Ari.  I had not been feeling well at all for a few days, so I’d gone to see my doctor.  Initially, I was diagnosed as having food poisoning…perhaps something I had eaten at a recent Fourth of July picnic.  As a precaution, however, he had me to provide samples for further testing.  I was given a prescription and sent home to get some sleep.  Within twenty-four hours, I received a phone call with startling news that definitely woke me up.  “The doctor wants you to stop taking that medication immediately,” the nurse said.  “You’re pregnant.”  If I thought I’d felt sick before, it was nothing compared to the punch in the gut I felt upon hearing those words.  I was living with my brother, Andy, at the time.  But he wasn’t at home when I got the call.  So, there I was… alone, stunned, shaking.  And I started to cry.  I thought back to the day a couple of months earlier, when my ex-boyfriend had come to town for my college graduation.  We were still friends, he’d said, and he wouldn’t have missed my graduation.  After making the rounds to a few post-graduation festivities, he drove me back to my brother’s house.  We sat in the car talking for a bit.  Then he said, “It’s still early.  You want to do something?”  “Sure,” I agreed. “Just let me change.”  I went into the house and re-emerged donned in some comfy jeans and a T-shirt, then off we went.  We ended up at the beach, and I suppose it goes without saying what the “something” was we ended up doing. 

Anyway, the first person I called was my mom.  I was sobbing as I relayed the news to her, and she came over right away.  She did her best to console me while the two of us waited for my brother to come home.  When he finally got there, I couldn’t bear to look at him.  I knew I deserved whatever wrath he might unleash, because it was my own deliberate choices that put me in the situation.  I was twenty-two years old, I had no job, I had no husband, and I had no idea what I would be like as a mother.  But if Andy felt anything other than love and compassion for me in that moment, he certainly didn’t show it.  He held me tightly as I cried.  He cried, too.   And he told me it was going to be alright.  I didn’t know how it would be alright.  Nevertheless, I believed him. 

Ari is now a beautiful, twenty-six year old woman.  I watched and listened yesterday as she and her husband interacted with each other and their two young sons.  My heart was filled with joy and gratitude to witness the tenderness, affection, laughter, and love.  I can see that it absolutely did turn out alright!  This encourages my heart today, for there are other times when I find myself broken and feeling lost, in the midst of circumstances which are a result of deliberate choices I’ve made.  At such times I struggle to pray, fearing that yet another failure must certainly exceed the limits of God’s grace.  I brace myself for some kind of divine smack upside the head, but instead I find His arms of love and compassion encompassing me.  He holds me tightly as I cry, and He tells me it’s going to be alright.  I don’t always see how it will be alright.  Nevertheless, I believe Him.  I know that in the very best of times and through the very worst of times, God has proven His faithfulness more often than I can even recall.  I believe His Word that all things (even the things that don’t look good or feel good) are working together for my good.  Yes, I believe Him.