Who I Am

This morning I am thinking about the exceptionally wonderful experience of seeing my name in print recently.  My boss had emailed me the agenda for an upcoming meeting, at which she wanted me to share some information.  My eyes moved quickly down the page, as I previewed the scheduled topics and presenters.  Then I saw my name with these two letters in front of it: “Dr.” I was suddenly overcome with emotion, and I started to cry.  After four rigorous years of reading, writing, and research, I had finally completed my doctoral program!  While I was overjoyed to have achieved this goal, I hadn’t asked anyone to start calling me “doctor.”  I didn’t want to make a big deal about it.  I wanted to convey, through humility and sincere gratefulness, that I am still the same person.  However, something is different.  I have been forever changed by the knowledge, experience, and insights gained over the past four years.  Sure, I could choose not to apply the lessons I’ve learned, but I cannot unlearn them.  The reality is that whether or not anyone likes it, believes it, supports it, or agrees with it, “Dr.” is a part of who I am.  Reflecting on this, I have gained a bit of confidence to share about another rigorous course of learning in which I have been engaged.  It was not a program for which I signed up.  Yet, I found myself enrolled full time after my beloved big brother passed away in July 2012.  Up until then, I believe I held a metaphorical Bachelor’s degree in Faith.  I knew some stuff about God, for sure.  But, in order to acquire the conviction and character that are prerequisite for the next level of my ministry and destiny, I needed to complete some graduate level courses.  The last five months, in particular, have felt very much like a dissertation and defense!  I haven’t spoken to anyone about it.  I haven’t shared about the tests…or the tears…not even to those who are closest to me.  Through a process I cannot adequately describe, I am being made aware of and liberated from the limits of reliance upon two gods—my emotions and my intellect.  I have been learning how to walk in wisdom that says, “Trust God,” even when my emotions and intellect tell me otherwise.  I have been introduced to Truth that transcends logic, and it is not something I can unlearn.  Whether or not anyone else likes it, believes it, supports it, or agrees with it, it is a part of who I am.  I don’t want to make a big deal about it, though.  In fact, I have to smile as I recall something my big brother used to say.  He’d say: “Notice, you never hear a tree screaming, ‘Hey, look at me!  I’m growing!’ It just grows.”  So it is for me.  I have been planted in the soil of hope, in a field of miracles.  Here is where I will grow into who I am meant to be.